You woke up one morning, and you looked out the window, and you see zombies. First your thinking, what kind of cliche’ is this, and next your like “Oh no, I am going to die!”. Don’t worry, with my totally 100% foolproof survival plan, all you gotta do is just pay me $24305438534630647650 a month for 2 years, or $968256482539264732647823599999999 a month for 12 years. My survival plan is very good, 100% trustworthy survival plan has 5 extremely good tips of surviving a zombie outbreak. But whatever you do, don’t go to Youtube and search for “How to survive a zombie outbreak,” my guide is the only true guide.

So, you have paid already? Alright then, here is step #1: Better hope that the zombies are from the Walking Dead rather than those mutated ones from other movies. If you think about, they are really slow, stupid, rarely make smart moves, and really easy to kill. I don’t get how the military couldn’t handle them. First, move all civilians out of the area. Next bring in a stealth bomber, and then blow the place sky high. Or, for survivors, kill them. Sure, hordes are one thing, but have soldiers in strategic locations, helicopter support, and armored vehicles for back up, and kill all of them. But, having mutated zombies, those change the course of survival. Bottom Line: Wish for Walking Dead zombies.

Step #2: Use anything as a weapon. SO, your thinking, “I am a dumb pacifist that is against the 2nd amendment and forbids any weapons.” Well, your in luck, because anything can be a weapon. See that chair? Well, rip it’s leg off, because that chair leg is a weapon. See that balloon? You can grab the string or the balloon part and strangle enemies with it. See that plastic bag? Put it over enemies heads and let them suffocate. See that single hair of yours on the table? Use it and try to kill zombies with it (not advised). Like I said, anything can be used as a weapon.

Step #3: Find somewhere safe to stay in. Yeah, let’s say that the military was overrun, so that means no safe zones. Luckily, I have a few locations that can be vital to stay at. Location #1: A ski lodge. This one sounds strange, but it’s high up in the mountains(depends) and if you turn the power on, the ski lifts could provide an escape route, or a quick way to get to your base and carry supplied on it. Location #2: A oil rig. These would be good, and here’s why. One, it is in the ocean, so chances of zombies range from 1 to 5% chance, also, getting a boat or helicopter would be the way over, and you have all that oil to use for yourself. Location #3: Anywhere with military presence. Even with no military, there is gotta remnant out there, right?

Step #4: Have friends. So, it is a good idea to have some friends. One reason is that they can help you not go crazy, or help you survive, kill, and scavenge. Or, you could be cold-blooded and use them as human shields. But, really, friends COULD help you, but they could steal your stuff, betray you, and many more.So, that is basically it, then.

Step #5: Don’t die. The best way to survive anything is to survive it. Seriously, do whatever it takes to survive. If you have to sacrifice those orphans for survival, let the orphans live. Note, like sacrificing self for orphans is acceptable. But, that’s all I have left.

Hope you like my survival guide, so, if you want a lifetime subscription, just pay me $4365687562379865479325969783675638346259843876538957784365689436287 a month.